I just googled myself pre and post marriage…

He’s a blue dick nose chicken fucker….

Tonight honey, were gonna play which hole feels the best…

That load was as big as the Bible….

I hate it when hot celebrities die, you cant jerk off to them anymore…

She wears spray on pants…

He saw my camel toe and asked me out…

I’d like to consider myself a free agent…not a slut!

You know, …it’s a really weird sensation to have a boner and wanna throw up on yourself at the same time…

It’s amazing that I’m retarded or it’s retarded that I’m amazing?

He didn’t have Grandparents, they live in Mexico…

I don’t wanna put a ring on her, I just wanna punch her in the mouth!

Your bush has absolutely no creditablity anymore…

I so appreciate the learning you give to me.

He’s cute an all, but he’s not even buying your Subway….

Your hairs like a bad text message, its really confusing and there is a lot going on!

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a gay Stiffler.

I’d rather pull over a bus of kids with down syndrome AND get an eight ball, then go to THAT place.

I’m not going to go to a cabin and get stuck with a guy with a small penis for the weekand…

I’m gonna Scorpio the shit outta that bitch!

“I know peeing is a very relieving experience, but does it really merit the same groan as when I blow a load inside of you?”

This girl came into visit me, she’s half Hawaiian and half Japanese, so that means her parents likely met during the bombing of Pearl Harbor…

How do you feel about your daughter pink slipping Jesus?

So what your saying is, you were a car thief AND Einstein’s girlfriend in your past life?

Please come here!  Give me a hug and lick my throat…

You never see a turtle on stilts anymore….

She’s pouting because she’s never been able to find Jesus or Waldo!

I’m sorry,  but I think your vest is cutting off the circulation to your style!

The fact that he’s a major pussy eater, trumps everything!

Wait,  so which cousin did you date?….Wait…. I’m sorry….have sex with?

Thoughts of my boner made you hungry, thoughts of my shit mouth made you horny….

She looks like a pile of American Apparel vomit….

No offence but your chocolate milk selection sucks!

Grab that meat….

I’ll pay you in kale instead of cash…

My dick’s got hiccups…

Letiza’s is my favorite place for cupcakes,  they are all natural….

-What r these silicone?-……..

So our options at 30 are:  getting married…having kids…or killing ourselves?

Are you sober enough to drunk drive?

So now every time I piss, I wanna play a game…

Did you do your beer?

We have to walk all day tomorrow, I’m having sex in 3 weeks!!

So what your telling me is the dudes a Sword Fighter??

I always get mistaken for the Jewish…..

You know what Pirates do on Christmas?…Steel mini kid’s  presents…..

She looks like a pile of American Apparel vomit….

I didn’t paint my face cause, well….. I thought someone was gonna lick it.

Thoughts of my boner made you hungry, thoughts of my shit mouth made you horny….

What are the do’s and don’ts of eating ass?  You know, from a medical standpoint?

Sometimes you can measure your day from the smell of your poo….

Your tits look amazing, but the coke ring….yeah, ummm…..you might wanna fix that.

I really didn’t inspect a penis until college….

I love your man-whore-isms…..

Wait,  so which cousin did you date?….Wait…. I’m sorry….have sex with?

Does that mean I’m out of  the excel spreadsheet rotation?

Go!  You Urethra hole!!!!

The fact that he’s a major pussy eater, trumps everything!

I’m not a Bears fan because I don’t like when they pull out…..

Its not a fashion statement… its a personality decision.

I’m tired of all this picking and eating… I’d rather just go outside and kill myself with a cigarette….

I’m sorry,  but I think your vest is cutting off the circulation to your style!

Your tootalge is never ending…..